Et In Arcadia Ego

After a tipoff from Friend 4, I'm happily wasting the evening on one of my favouite hobbies - the British Board of Film Classifcation. They've just changed their guidelines, and as a geek, this makes me very happy. Little upset that I missed their polls, but then again they probably want unbiased votes from random suckers on the street, not opinionated geeks.


> Uc has been got rid of as a catagory
I don't think anyone will miss it aside from me - I'm fairly sure most people didn't know it existed. I rather liked having it about, but its absence won't make any impact.

> "The introduction of ‘discrimination’ as a key classification issue in each of the categories covering race, gender, religion, disability or sexuality."
"spaz", for example, is going to be treated like a proper swear word. I don't think anyone can argue with this, at least in principle.

>"74 per cent or respondents understood that the ‘12A’ category means that the film is not generally suitable for under 12s."
I'm getting increasingly weary with 12A as a catagory. If 12A probably means that the film is not suitable for under 12s, then why not get rid of it entirely? I've advocated before that 15A would be a more helpful catagory. There's less change in your teenage years (15-18) than in the transition from childhood to teenager-ness (10-14). I remember being 15 when I was itching to watch Reservoir Dogs and The Good the Bad and the Ugly.

>"Clearer and more detailed information about what the Board takes into account when classifying works and when interventions (such as cuts) will be made and on what grounds"
This makes me very happy, but mostly from a geeky perspective. I've often been frustrated when looking up their database of classifications at the lack of detail given. Purely because I want to nerd over the BBFC decision-making process, but it's still a development I'm really looking forward to. Pity they probably won't retro-update it. I'm dying to know who thought Attack of the Cybermen was a U rated episode...

(IMO there was a single moment I felt it was pushing 12, so was very shocked to discover it wasn't even a PG. Now, you could accuse me of just being very sensitive - it was mostly surprise at its level of violence being NOT AT ALL being what I expected from 80s Who. But then, isn't that what this system is about? Classifying things so they are in line with expectation.)

>"Clearer and more detailed information about how the tone and impact of a film is taken into account, as opposed to simply considering what is actually shown on screen"
Brilliant, fascinating development! This fine tunes the blunt instrument which is the classification system. One of the examples given is The Others, rated 12, which they claim would have been considered for a higher rating. Very scary film, but completely lacking in naughty bits.I've no idea how they'll police this, as it depends so much on instinct, but this is definitely a great step forward. And indeed...

>"At the ‘12A’/’12’ category a tightening of the horror criteria. This is in line with the introduction of tone and impact."
Oh, I'm so happy about the new guidelines! I was losing my faith in the system, until now. Job with the BBFC is basically my number one dream, if you discount unlikely things.

>"At ‘U’, the relaxation of the Guideline on references to drugs to allow for references which are both infrequent and innocuous. Under the old Guidelines a documentary which mentioned the Opium Wars between Britain and China had to be passed at ‘PG’ for this single reference alone"
A.K.A. Don't follow the rules just beacause there are rules. It's nice to have to have "don't be stupid" enshrined in the Guidelines.

>"At ‘12A’/’12’ there will be a presumption against the passing of frequent crude sexual references. This is in response to concerns expressed by the public about films such as Date Movie, Meet the Spartans and Norbit"
I express concern about the existance of Meet the Spartans full stop.

>"At ‘15’, solvent abuse is now specifically mentioned as a classification issue and depictions are unlikely to be passed. This is in response, not only to public concern, but expert opinion"
Interesting. I'm not sure I've ever seen a movie with solvent abuse in it, so it's not something I've ever considered. Nice to see the experts getting a look in. The BBFC blames its haphazard governing of video games to a lack of expert opinion on how harmful they are. I'm looking forward to a proper study on that too.

>"Trailers and advertisements which are on the borderline between two categories be given the more restrictive rating because of the fact that the public has not chosen which trailers and advertisements to watch and because the BBFC has no control over which trailers or advertisements are shown before a particular film (eg a horror trailer before a ‘rom-com’). The exception will be public information films and charity advertisements where stronger material is acceptable to the public when there is a ‘public good’ justification."
Again, it's marvellous they're thinking about this. It's an area I only ever considered "in the moment".

>" At ‘18’ the Board will continue to maintain the right of adults to choose their own entertainment unless material is in breach of the criminal law; or the treatment appears to the BBFC to risk harm to individuals or through their behaviour, to society; or where there are more explicit images of sexual activity which cannot be justified by context. As part of the research, respondents were specifically asked about explicit images of real sex in main stream films like 9 Songs and the clear message was that these images were acceptable at ‘18’ because of the context in which they appeared.

This is the chief reason why I love the BBFC. They have a heroic commitment to this principle, and are unwilling to ban things without a very good reason - when they do, it's for a very good reason. Usually, the big censorship hammer comes smacking down on nasty hardcore torture-porn, or weird stuff like real execution videos, or instructions for growing your own drugs. Now when art is involved, I am always on the side of the artist. To an extent that sometimes disturbs even me - my normal concepts of morality, justice and compassion tend to shoot straight out of the window. I'll be the first to admit I get it wrong when it comes to getting that balance right - have I told you the story about the dog? I'm not typing it up in a public place if not.

The BBFC do get it right, however, balancing concerns for safety with a determined respect for the artist's right to depict whatever he likes. Additionally, they follow up any apparent instances of child exploitation or animal cruelty, and insist on cuts if they don't like what they find. Unlike the American equivalent, the BBFC has its priorities correct. Or to put it a little more kindly, the BBFC is in sync with what the British believe to be acceptable, as the MPAA reflects the concerns of America. That doesn't mean they can't be wrong, of course - in general, American ratings are far stricter on nudity and sex than on violence. Incorrect in principle if nothing else - one of those activities is natural and positive, the other is, well, tragically just as natural. But it's obvious which of sex or violence is the lesser crime, because one of them isn't actually a crime at all. Several works rated 15 here for violence got away with PG-13s across the pond, which worries me. But then, it's all about judging films for this country, so my criticism isn't really fair. America is far stronger in religious faith, and far more open to ideas like gun posession. Nevertheless, the MPAA is far more of a blunt instrument than the BBFC - for example, nudity is allowed at U over here so long as it is in a non-sexual context, yet is almost instantly hammered over there. Similarly, the BBFC is committed to not noticing the difference between heterosexual and homosexual behavior - a kiss is just a kiss, no matter who is doing the kissing. Unsurprisingly, the MPAA tend to rate one higher than the other. Again, this does reflect the social beliefs in the country which it protects so I have a certain degree of sympathy. But in the long run, these things have to change. Read the wikipedia page for more controversy.

All in all, these guidelines enshrine the future of a great, great institution which, unfortunately, won't hold CVs. Additionally:

"Unfortunately, we are unable to offer any work experience or work placement schemes, despite popular demand. This is because of the amount of highly sensitive, unclassified and age restricted material found lurking in the building at any one time! Staff at the BBFC undergo extensive training to deal with such material, and are all over 18."

This is accompanied by an image of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" on the typewriter. Emphasise that everyone who works there is crazy, or something. How DO you get a job there, then? It's only a life aim of mine, and yet it seems to be virtually impossible. Ugh. Maybe my constant bleetings on the topic will attract someone's attention? I sometimes wonder whether I'm maybe too sensitive for it, and yet sitting in a room all day and getting knotty about the correct ratings is - well, I already do that.

Finally, I'm happy to see they're getting some heat for Dark Knight. This local report reveals a fact I did not know: they were close to giving it a 15. When they submitted it to their internal review panel, their board was healthily split. They get quite defensive in their 2008 report:

"As with recent years, there was one stand-out decision which generated the most number of complaints. Our decision to rate The Dark Knight ‘12A’ caused considerable media and public interest. Indeed, the two appeared to be very much entwined. We received 364 complaints about the rating for The Dark Knight, representing 42 per cent of all complaints received. The Dark Knight continued the trend for darker and grittier superhero movies, and dealt with themes such as vigilantism, summary justice and the compromise of civil liberties within its ‘comic book’ conventions. A number of viewers found this darker tone in sharp contrast to their previous experiences of the Batman franchise. However, the critical issue for many was that the weapon of choice for The Joker was the knife. Teenage knife crime was very much headline news throughout the year, and remains a strong public concern. The worry expressed by many of the complaints was that the ‘12A’ allowed very young children to watch this film, as long as they were accompanied by an adult. A few believed the film should have been an ‘18’; one or two wanted the film banned. The BBFC is always sensitive to concerns surrounding knife crime and youth violence, but it was clear that The Dark Knight did not condone or was likely to encourage violence or knife crime. In addition, many seem to have forgotten that ‘12A’ indicates that a film is suitable for those aged 12 and over. Parents or supervising adults minded to take under 12s to see The Dark Knight were directed to our robust Consumer Advice and Extended Classification Information for the film before doing so. The coverage of this decision gave considerable publicity for our content advice services. A later analysis of the public response to The Dark Knight revealed that less than 10 per cent of those who complained about the film's unsuitability for children actually accompanied children to screenings of the film. It was also clear from a number of letters and emails that the complainants were responding to press coverage of the decision and had not seen the film themselves. It may not be coincidental that most of the complaints were received in the same week that The Daily Mail ran their three day ‘campaign’ against the decision. Once media interest ceased, the complaints significantly declined although the film continued to be screened nationwide."

Oh, so the complaints weren't the BBFC's fault at all. It was the fault of people not understanding the BBFC catagories. And the rest - well, they were all reactionary Mail readers. I'd also challenge the piece I highlighted, that the film doesn't condone the Joker's behavior. It's the Mr Blonde factor - the Joker may be a baddie, but he's still cool. See those wearing T-Shirts with his face all over the place.

I'm gonna attempt to shut up about The Dark Knight now, because I sound like a record on repeat and because forgiveness is a gift and a virtue. They've got one wrong, time for me to move on. And plus, I do still adore the BBFC as an institution.

Reading the annual report is one of the little highlights of my year. It's always informative, witty, and has a tendency to belittle those who complain:

"An angry historian requested that we penalise films which were historically inaccurate by awarding a higher category. An amateur pornographer sought legal, practical and casting advice."

This also made me laugh:

"Almost every time Dame Judi swears in a film, regardless of its category, we can expect a number of complaints."

Aside from the fact any criticism is swiftly followed up by an excuse that the criticiser didn't actually see the film, is recieving medication, or simply didn't count, it's a good read, and I recommend you look it up on the SBBFC website if you have any interest in my pet subject. It contains details and justifications for their contested decisions and cuts. Where else could you learn that the Little Mermaid game once contained the line "I look like a spastic piece of kelp"? It offers an insight into the humanity of the reviewers too, when they point out that "bloody" harrumphed by an innocent old man in U-rated Dean Spanley is OK.

But oh, how do I get my dream job?

Interesting things to say about Strange Days. Remind me to say them. It's getting late, and the Flame is beginning to eat my brain again.

10:00 AM - wake up grumpy. Managed to have bad sleep, followed by the worst sort of bad dreams. Doctor Who dreams, but all about the Valeyard. Flame dreams, but just downright creepy ones - I dreamed that someone pranked my letter project by slipping in a hoax letter, outing a relationship between possibly the most unlikely couple. Too weird.

10.30 AM - go downstairs for breakfast. No cereal for third day running. Go back upstairs.

10.35 AM - Watch Doctor Who

11.15 AM - go downstairs to see if anything is happening. It isn't.

11.16 AM - return upstairs. Watch The A-Team.

12.00 AM - lunch

12.30 PM - tennis goes on. Return upstairs. Watch more A-Team.

1.00 PM - go downstairs to see if anyone else is bored. They're not.

2.00 PM - go back upstairs. Watch more Doctor Who.

Repeat ad infinitum...

I'm reading "Wilde's Last Stand", a factual book from my Wilde collection. Broadly speaking, it's about the decadant movement after his death, the ongoing lives of certain members of his circle, the impact of both his trial and the two world wars on the "uranians" of Britain, and the growth of facism. Fact of the day - one of my favourite slang insults "sod" is ultimately derived from "sodomite".

I'm just lapping up the luxurious atmosphere. It keeps reminding me of the Oscar Wilde book I want to write - twenty chapters detailing the lives of his secondary characters. You only ever hear about Robbie Ross, Constance Holland, Lord Alfred, Speranza as far as their lives intertwine with his. I want to know more about them, and one day I will research and write it. I feel it will be a better tribute to many of them to be their own people, not the supporting cast of someone else's tragedy. Most writers of Wilde biographies are, understandably, very sympathetic, as are most of its readers. But the "extras" are only viewed through the prism of how they affected him - Robbie Ross, Wilde's literary executor, comes out of it very well, and Alfred Douglas comes out looking appalling. Not fair to either of them - both were simply men, and they deserve their own stories separate from their role as "goodie" and "baddie" in someone else's. Because they're all artists, poets, creators, wits or geniuses in their own right, most with equally barmy lives.

I've also learnt a little more about art. A few of the terms used for schools sent me scuttling to a dictionary. My demands of art are not so different from his - I want it to make me go "wow", and if a work of art has moved me emotionally, I then class it as beautiful. The book wonders what Wilde would have made of the war - he was only 46 at his death in 1900 - but to be honest, I'm more worried how he'd react to 1920s art. I believe he would have despaired of much of it. I have never liked Futurism all that much, it's grim and downbeat. It looks forward to the future, but it's not a very nice one - all cars and oil and gas, like steampunk without the romance. Some of it is breathtaking, though - I really liked this one, and this one because of the colour explosion. Cubism I don't get at all - no, I don't really like Picasso. Wilde's Last Stand mentioned two I'd never heard of, which sent me scurrying. Vorticism is the local variation - "the Futurist was concerned with movement - the excitement of a speeding car. The Vorticist was concerned with the static centre of a whirlwind of movement. The Cubist was concerned with apples, guitars and life in the cafe. The Vorticist was not afraid of looking outside the cafe and observing the architecture and people of the street. There is a hint of aggression, or confrontation in some Vorticist works that is missing in French work. Vorticist works are characterised by the unease created by a disrupted perspective."




Finally. I'm a compulsive writer-down-er-of-things, and sometimes there's nothing more revealing than flicking through an old notebook. But with my penchant for cryptic hints, sometimes my findings are endearingly meaningless. Here's some highlights from today. None of the following had any context whatsoever. Theories to the usual address.

"It's more the memory of the murder itself, not precicely who he killed"


"What haps in Hamlet"

Its been a funny ole day. Started translating The Silmarillion into Latin. It took me about four hours to wrestle a paragraph into shape. Tomorrow, I'm gonna convert it to oratio obliqua. Only 700 pages left to go.


>> Someone on the Empire website was talking about the A-Team movie casting, and made a comment I had to pass on: "They've done it before, why not get Katee Sackhoff to be Face? She rocked as Starbuck."

Bwahahahahahaha. For those of you who don't get the joke, Face was played by Dirk Benedict, who also played Starbuck in the original Galactica. He's still sulking about the fact they brought his character back female.

I have mixed feelings about his response - on the one hand, I think it's adorable how much he still cares about his show. It's a not very well regarded bit of space-fluff he was in when he was a kid - he doesn't have a duty to it, and yet its legacy is still really important to him. This means an awful lot to me, especially if you compare it to certain ex-Doctors who mercilessly take the rack out of their episodes in the commentaries, and are on record saying they quit because their first two seasons were shit. Oh, thanks. So I'm an idiot, then? And excuse me, you actually left before the real grot set in.

In addition, his ranty article about how he loathes the new series is well written and funny to read, lambasting his replacement as "Stardoe", and raises several complaints that I have touched on. I have particular sympathy for this:

"Witness the "re-imagined" Battlestar Galactica. It's bleak,
miserable, despairing, angry and confused. Which is to say, it reflects, in
microcosm, the complete change in the politics and mores of today's world as
opposed to the world of yesterday..."Re-imagining", they call it.
"un-imagining" is more accurate. To take what once was and twist it into
what never was intended. So that a television show based on hope, spiritual
faith, and family is unimagined and regurgitated as a show of despair,
sexual violence and family dysfunction. To better reflect the times of
ambiguous morality in which we live, one would assume."

New Galactica is its own creature, and I don't disapprove of bleakness and ambiguity full stop - but the way the show does it tends to wind me up. Nevertheless, if that were it, then it'd be OK. The problem is, it's written from a perspective which is (to my mind) mysoginistic and painfully, unforgiveably heteronormal. Complaining that "the war against masculinity has been won", and being criticised for "treating women like "sex objects". I thought it was flirting. Never mind." Read it, and you can tell he's an American. I'm going to assume, on good evidence, that he's homophobic - which is a shame, because he's really rather yummy, and I now feel morally dirty having a crush on him. His very quick assertion that the Face is "blatantly heterosexual", despite being a character in the world's most homoerotic genre, actually makes me want to go and find A-Team slash*. That impulse, taking into account my dislike of slash interrupting platonic buddy movies, should give you an insight into how much this essay angers me. He continues:

"I'm not sure if a cigar in the mouth of Stardoe resonates in the same way
it did in the mouth of Starbuck. Perhaps. Perhaps it "resonates" more. Perhaps
that's the point. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is this… Women are from Venus.
Men are from Mars. Hamlet does not scan as Hamletta. Nor does Han Solo as Han
Sally. Faceman is not the same as Facewoman. Nor does a Stardoe a Starbuck make.
Men hand out cigars. Women `hand out' babies. And thus the world, for thousands
of years, has gone round."

If your eyebrows aren't a little raised at that statement, then get the hell off my blog. I can almost see where he is coming from - Stardoe is an interesting creation compared to Starbuck, and Calypso and I have discussed before how Princess Hamlet would differ from Prince Hamlet. Almost. He manages to frame a potentially interesting line of argument in the most offensive way possible. In comparison, at least Classic Doctor Who wasn't always brilliant.

He might even have a point if Stardoe turned out to be pointless token casting - but she wasn't. She has rightfully claimed her place as one of the greatest and most iconic sci-fi heroes ever. She is easily the most brilliant female ever created in the genre - rounded, macho but never at the expense of what we'll call her femininity - in short, realistically, brilliantly human. Think Amanda Palmer in space. And just like her character, she'd have no problems putting the male contestants into their place - easily one of the greatest sci-fi heroes full stop.

From pleasant (if picky) indifference to the A-Team movie casting choices, I now have a no. 1 vote: Katee Sackoff can play Facewoman any day of the week!


Finally, you know those students I've been following in Iran? OK, well I mentioned a few days ago that their university dorm had been attacked by the Basij - ain't it convenient for us confused westerners that they've practically called their secret police "the Baddies". They even posted some photos of the aftermath, which have provided an uncanny mental image of Vapitreem and I crouched under a table in that foul kitchen, both wearing discarded pans as makeshift helmets, along with Jeremy still attempting to revise during the shelling, and with half of the lightside dead or dying in the quad. Kinda brings it home. Although we'd be fine - the Dude would protect us. Just so you know I ain't kidding, the BBC have just posted a video of the attack.

The internet is incredible. Every time there's a "next big thing" on the web, the media always grumbles about how rubbish it is. Youtube, Facebook, Twitter. It's people writing on auto-reactionary "hmmm, look MILLIONS of people are using these web services. I'll write an article about how they are all wrong!". Whatever goes down in Iran - and I'm hoping for c) fizzles out before it b) turns nasty - no one can touch them now! Sure, they waste time, and sure, maybe you just don't get it, but it is actually saving lives and making a difference in some weird way. I' feeling a little less optimistic today, though - the people I'm following haven't tweeted for days. I hope this means their battery has died.

*For honour's sake, for dignity, I did go on one of my annual Livejournal binges, and it does exist as I knew it must - according to Fanhistory, A-Team slash has been around since 1986 exactly. I actually think the evidence for even semi-canoical based slash is very unconvincing, and yet I'm a little surprised by the total absence in fandom of what appears to me the most obvious ship - Murdoch/B.A.. The internet tells me they've been too busy fighting out Hannibal/Face against Murdoch/Face. I don't buy either, not even remotely. Especially as Face is, snigger, "blatantly heterosexual". Having gotten my personal vengeance, however, I now feel a little unwell...

Today's issue: lots of lovely Oscar Wilde stuff, then much quoteology

This poem was written by one of Oscar Wilde's friends to celebrate the publishing of The Picture of Dorian Gray. Sorry, I can't remember which, and I don't have an Ellerman to hand - Lionel Johnson, the internet tells me.

It wouldn't quite be understood by Romans - typically, Latin poetry does not rhyme - but it's still a cool and decadent piece of work, with deliberate elements of a hymn. It gives me joy how quickly and simply I can translate it:

In Honorem Doriani Creatiorisque Eius

Benedictus sis, Oscare!
Qui me libro hoc dignare
Propter amicitas:
Modo modulans Romano
laudes dignas Doriano,
Ago tibi gratias!

Juventutis hic formosa
Floret inter rosas rosa,
Subito dum venit mors:
Ecce homo! Ecce deus!
Si sic modo esset meus
Genius misericors!

Amat avidus amores
Miros, miros carpit flores
Saevus pulchritudine:
Quanto anima nigrescuit,
Tanto facies spelendiescit,
Mendax, sed quam splendide!

Hic sunt poma Sodomorum;
Hic sunt corda vitiorum;
Et peccata dulcia.
In excelsis et infernis,
Tibi sit, qui tanta cernis,
Gloriarum gloria

In honour of Dorian and his Creator

Blessings be to Oscar!
Who has honoured me with a copy of this book
on account of our friendship
Adopting the manner of the Romans,
(fitting praise for Dorian)
I thank you!

This most splendid of youths
flourishes as a rose among roses,
until death comes suddenly:
See, man! See, god!
If only thus could be my
Talent for sympathy!

[OK, my translation is a little dodgy for those two lines]

Eager, he loves strange loves,
He plucks out curious bouqets,
cruel beauty!
However much his soul is blackened,
so much his face is radiant -
Crime, but how glorious!

Here are the apples of Sodom!
Here are the hearts of corruption
And sweet sins!
In heaven and hell
May there be to you, who understands so much,
Glories of glories!

Fantastic, eh?

Another poem about Oscar Wilde is "Sebastian Melmoth" by Patrick Lloyd-Bedford. I have never read it, but came across it in Oxfam once. Alas, the only copy in published form is collectable, and I didn't feel like spending £20 for it. Regret that decision now, but it can't be helped.

I've always wanted to write a poem about him. He wrote poems on the graves of Keats and Shelley, so I know it's a gesture he would have appreciated. Rather scuppered by the fact I don't write brilliant poetry, and yet he never let that stand in his way. Oscar Wilde has yet to be rehabilitated as a great poet, and though I don't really get poetry much of the time, I've a sneaking suspicion it's because his poetry isn't that great as I've discussed before. Bizzare, considering how wonderfully poetic his prose is. It always reminds me of his own quote about bad poetry:

"[the bad poet] lives the poetry he cannot write. The others [good poets] write the poetry that they dare not realise"

It's a project I still rumble over from time to time, and I've got the odd line jotted down in various notebooks, but probably something which will never be completed, and never shown to the public even if it is.



All this was inspired by rediscovering my commonplace book, which had been lost among heaps of other journals and doodlepads. It's given over soley to quotes, mostly from books or poems, sometimes from telly - first comment I ever wrote about Doctor Who is recorded there - sometimes from real people, and some of them are even my own. It's also packed with ellipses... I've been looking for it for a while to transcribe a great piece of song lyric which struck me:

"The game of life is hard to play - you're gonna lose it anyway" from "Suicide is Painless"

It's a record of five years of my life in other people's words - mostly Oscar Wilde's. It was my companion when I read the epic Ellerman biography I mentioned earlier. Rereading it, I'd love to transcribe it all for you, but I'll make do with one or two of the very best:

"Where there is a will to condemn, there is evidence" ~ Wild Swans
[I think I was thinking about slash fiction at the time...]

"When I make a movie, I want it to be everything to me; like I would die for it" ~ QT
[People always talk about Tarantino's quoteable movies, but it's the man himself I'm fondest of. His films are idiosyncratic and indulgent - he makes them for himself and no one else. I find this enormously inspiring. Another one I like:]

"When I'm getting serious with a girl, I show her Rio Bravo, and she'd better fucking like it"
[Because it's not like I'd ever do something like that. Rumours that I semi-dumped the one guy I semi-dated last year purely because his favourite film was "A Beautiful Mind" have been exaggerated. But the first guy who invites me on a cinema date had better understand that we are watching that movie!]

"If it can be written or thought, it can be filmed" ~ Kubrick

"The end of a picture is always the end of a life" ~ Peckinpah
[Brilliant quote - the end of a life for the creators who have been so involved, the end of the vicarious life the audience have partaken of. And frequently, the end of life for one or more characters, literally or otherwise.]

"Everybody wants to be Cary Grant. Sometimes even I want to be Cary Grant" ~ Cary Grant
[About his screen persona]

"Very sweet but a bit stupid" ~ my sister on the sons of Feanor

"I would like to protest against the statement that I have ever called a spade a spade. The man who did so should be compelled to use one" ~ Oscar Wilde, or OW as he is usually abbreviated to

"One should be different because one is human, not because one is a monster" ~ Miss Geach, my heroic Latin teacher.

"Just because there is twilight, does not mean there is not night and day" was one of hers also I think.

"Nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won" ~ Wellington

"My next Shakespeare book will be a discussion on whether the commentators on Hamlet are mad or only pretending to be" ~ OW, after The Portrait of Mr W.H. clunked

"If we lived long enough to see the results of our actions it may be that those who call themselves good would be sickened with a dull remorse, and those whom the world calls evil stirred by a noble joy" ~ one of the many unattributed quotes, but we can safely guess it's OW again. "Dull remorse" is very him.

"You're a clever man, Unferth,
But you'll endure Hell's damnation for that" ~ Beowulf. Just liked the rhythm.

"When in doubt, draw a sunflower" ~ one of my quotes which pepper the book. It's sound advice.

"If God was clothing he'd be a bra cos he suppors us
If god was an organ he'd be a bladder cos he relieves us
If god was a person he'd be a pop star cos he turns us on
If God was a thing he'd be a G-string
If God was a plant he'd be marujana, cos he gets us so hi-i-igh!"
~ the collective wisdom of Lower Four Z, presumably after a misguided PSHE lesson.

"My heart was turned to one doomed man, but if he reads Heir of Redclyffe it's perhaps as well to let the law take its course" ~ OW on the literary habits of a prisoner awaiting execution

"All archaeological pictures that make you say "how curious", all sentimental pictures that make you say "how sad", all historical pictures that make you say "how interesting", all pictures that do not immediately give you such artistic joy as to make you sat "how beautiful", are bad pictures" ~ guess who.

"I deplore being told I'm not a musician by a man who couldn't hold a tune in a bucket with both hands" ~ Billy Connolly

"You been mudwrestloig?"
"Only with my conscience."
"Really? Who won?"
"Well it was one of those rare scenarios where violence really doesn't solve anything."
"I know the scenario well. usually crops up when one is trying to decide whether to open the next bottle or not"
~ Use of Weapons

"I love drugs, drugs love me
crack cocaine and ecstasy.
With a sniff sniff here and a sniff sniff there
I'll end up in intensive care"
~ more wit and wisdom from Lower 4 Z...

"Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much" ~ OW

"Beware the fury of a patient man" ~ John Dryden and "Ira brevis furor est - anger is brief insanity" ~ Horace. Wrote them down for M.

"Either I made a good album, or people just have bad taste" ~ Enrique Inglesias

"On the subject of Wilde's homosexuality Ellmann seems to me eminently sane. Perhaps a little too sane, since it was a subject on which Wilde himself was prepared to be a little crazy" ~ a review of Ellman's book. It's a fair observation, though, because all the earlier biographies are trammelled by the conventions of the time it was written. My 1920s Dorian Gray employs some fantastic science in explaining "the homosexual character".

Then PAGES of OW, some of the best (i.e. shorter...)

"The only possible exercise is to talk, not to walk" ~ you may have heard me use this on several occasions...

"History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other. There is a wide difference"

"There goes that bloody fool Oscar Wilde"
"It's extraordinary how soon one gets known in London"

"Where will it all end? Half the world does not believe in God, and the other half does not believe in me."

Wilde ~ "Punch too ridicuylous. When you and I are together we never talk about anything except ourselves"
Whistler ~ "No, no, Oscar, you forget. When you and I are together we never talk about anything except me."
Wilde ~ "It is true, Jimmy, we were talking about you, but I was thinking of myself"
BEST. PUTDOWN. EVER.

"There are two ways of disliking my plays. One is to dislike them, the other is to like Earnest"
Horribly correct. Earnest is the least personal, least interesting of his works by some way. Easily the greatest, undeniably hilarious, but it's been remembered precicelt because it is like nothing else he has ever written. Some of the other plays are funny, but none so farcical or whimsical.

"I want to show you Dorian Gray's photograph. that's the way I imagine Dorian. I didn't find or see him until after I described him in my book. You see, my idea is right, that art inspires and directs nature. This young man would never have existed if I had not described Dorian"
I believe this to be true with every fibre of my being. And it's torture knowing that this photo once existed, and may still exist, and that no one knows where it is.

I've been making the most of my freedom in library time.

Our library at home hates me too. It never has books when I want them, and pretends they don't exist. I looked for Guns of Navarone monthly for about a year and a half, and finally aquired my own copy. I come back looking for H.M.S. Ulysses (same author), it's not there - but guess what suddenly is? With its sequel, Force 10 from Navarone. I want to read Watchmen for years. It's not there. I come back after buying my own copy - it's suddenly appeared. And so on. I went for The Quiet American, and The Longest Journey, and made do with and The Last Word and Thank You, Jeeves. My subconscious seems to be at its most powerful in the local library. In Hampstead, at the height of my Jack the Ripper obsession, I took our From Hell. Because it was an Alan Moore comic I'd intended to read for ages. It was only sitting at home and opening the first page I remembered, oh yes, it's all about Jack the Ripper. This happened again today with Persepolis - another classic comic I've been looking forward to reading for a long time. I'm sure something weird was firing in my brain today too, because of course it's all about Iran. The friend I am following isn't doing so well today, but what is going on down there is still incredible and terrifying in equal measure. Also Oranges are not the only Fruit, which I took out mainly to piss people off while reading it on public transport, Rififi - a favourite classic heist movie I've not seen for ages - and Brighton Rock.

Brighton Rock has been high on my list of must-sees for a long time. I almost got derailed by the fact it stars William Hartnell, who astonishingly turns out to be a real actor. I take my fiction very seriously, so I do tend to veto other things starring actors in things I am or have been obsessed with. It's unrealistic to apply it to a show as huge as Doctor Who, and yet it would be a factor in me choosing to not see a film. In any case, I'm glad I persevered. Even if it was strange to see him sufficiently young that fancying him wasn't creepy (Yes, I have a tiny crush on every Doctor. Yes, even him. Try not to judge.). It's fantastic, and I recommend it to everyone unreservedly. Graham Greene is the master of cruel irony, perfectly expressed. A while back I wondered which author has had the highest number of great adaptations made of their work. Philip K. Dick? He's certainly had a lot - Total Recall, Next, Minority Report, Scanner Darkly Blade Runner - but many are just loosely based, or inspired by. Aside from Total Recall, which I haven't seen, all of those are very worth watching. Stephen King? Misery, Stand by Me, the Shawshank Redemption, Carrie and The Shining are five classic films based on his work - but they are overwhelmed by stinkers such as Pet Semetary. So what about Graham Greene, an author who could become a favourite very soon? Brighton Rock, The Third Man and The Quiet American are all fantastic. Whereas the Dick films are based on his great ideas, the King films based on his great talent for terror - the Greene films are based on his great words, great expression. That clean prose style, which expresses everything by saying so little. Because of that, those films have stayed very rooted in his words - maybe that's why they work so well. The quest continues...

Also today, Friend 4 and I watched the first two episodes of Blake's 7. I've had them on video for a bit, and have been loudly declaring to anyone who will listen that it's the greatest show of all time. And secretly thinking "it's like Doctor Who, but better" when I'm sure people aren't eavesdropping with their psychic powers. Despite me talking it up, she still claimed she was surprised at how damn brilliant it was. I'm also not suprised that she has joined the massed ranks of the church of the quoteable Ker Avon. And then we went upstairs and ordered the first season boxed set off Amazon.

Amazon: "do you want next day delivery?"
Me: "NEXTDAYDELIVERY"
Friend 4: "But I'm going away tomorrow!"
Amazon: "thank you for your purchase. We recommend: "Blake's 7 - season 2"

But luckily, we recalled our shopper's prayer - lead us not into temptation, for we are but students and our loans are small - and reason prevailed. The show is, like much sci fi, about a band of plucky rebels trying to take down an evil Federation - but it's marked out by it's grim nihilism. The Federation is, frankly, terrifying in their efficiency. Perhaps the best way to explain what I mean is this exchange, which I particularly like:

"Maybe some dreams are worth having."
"You don't really believe that."
"No...but I'd like to."

I don't hold out much hope for Blake succeeding in the long run...

And then we laughed at the new Torchwood trailer. I can't help it, I'm sorry, for reasons I've been into before. Then Gwen mentioned the Doctor, and for one glorious moment, my mind went "OMG IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME" on fan auto-pilot. And then she kept talking, made some weird assumptions, and I remembered it was Torchwood. Then felt slightly embarassed at how easily, and how small a Doctor Who reference needs to be to make me really, really excited. So we nitpicked about whether the Doctor would ever do that - answer, no never! Except when he does.

You might recall I was hopping mad about finding a Doctor Who spoiler, and hopping madder about the contents of that spoiler. After a few days of hell and "surely they can't...!", I did go hunting for some proper spoilers to confirm or deny it. It's not true, as I knew it couldn't be, because it's an appalling idea at this time, with that cast, at that moment. The flipside is that I'm now properly spoilt - but on facts, not rumours. And I'm content with what I have learnt, at peace about what is coming. I do so hate spoilers, normally. Still, my worst nightmare was to want the Master to return so much that, in the case he wasn't coming back, my disappointment would overwhelm the rest of the episode. Now I know one way or the other, I'm happier and as things stand, I think it's going to be a fine piece of work.

While we're talking about Doctor Who, I'm gonna hold my dangerous itch to buy Caves of Androzani till this boxed set comes out:

What a masterpiece list! Spearhead from Space is the first Pertwee adventure, and basic template for every story for the next five years. So while it's classy, I can do without it - because it lacks variation in comparison to the rest. Tomb of the Cybermen I also have on video, but it's marvellous and deserves DVD quality. Robots of Death and The Talons of Weng-Chiang are two of the absolute all-time classic adventures, and I haven't seen either! And then there's Caves, which has such an appallingly high rewatch factor, I'm almost nervous to get a copy in case I do nothing but watch it for the rest of my life.

Finally, I've been suddenly inspired to write some explicit Prisoner fic. Which is an example of what happens when you stay up late on the internet - it takes over your BRAIN and makes you crazy. But bear with me a moment. I've a strong distaste for fanfiction, and I'm not sure that I have it in me to write convincing porn. And yet I've a fantastic image of what I could write: a creepy sexual twist on the Village's psychological mindgame, drugs and dreams within dreams, people slipping and changing, or appearing several times - the way that the entire populace sometimes all are angry, or silent, or just not there at all. I know there's something appallingly twisted and wrong and brilliant to be written, but I'm fairly sure I'm not the one to do it. Lynch-y (David Lynch is my favourite director whose films I've never seen - he succeeds the title from Warner Herzog and Tarantino, the latter of which is now a genuine favourite director)

We'll file that under "too much information", eh? Better get to bed quickly before I have any more bright ideas...

And at once, it was all too much. Today has been a mess.

The Flame has always had the ability to derail my brain, so seven days of intensive immersion in everything I can remember, conversations/interrogations with friends, and arranging what is now 70 pages of letters into chronological order has mangled my mind. I've just recieved a fascinating folder, containing the correspondance of the game's chief "mastermind" character - a man who had files on all the other characters. It's an invaluable reference, but I can't face much more of it without GOING INSANE.

This has been exacerbated by what's going on in Iran. I'm following a bunch of students holed up in a warehouse somewhere: as we speak, they seem to be going through a replay of Reservoir Dogs. They've been seperated from some of their buddies, at least one of them is appallingly injured. It makes for fascinating drama, but I feel utterly powerless, worse than usual for world events. I could stop following the Twitter feed, but that's what makes it most awful. Because I can just switch off and make it go away - bit like when I got too scared by Lady Vengeance to watch it all in one go - and my life will be back to normal. After all, that's the reaction to 99% of people to 99% of world crises. It's my usual reaction. I never watch the news because it upsets me to no purpose. My dad argues the concept of solidarity has some meaning - the people risking getting information out wouldn't be doing it if they didn't want people at the other end of the world to hear it. Well I'm hearing it, and it's making me miserable. I'm wearing green, and I've changed my Twitter location and datestamp to Tehran to confuse the Iranian government, and that's the extent of what I can do apart from just to listen and to care.

So I'm taking solace in computer games: Oblivion for literal oblivion.

Sim City is great, and like the real Sims this is because cheating is easy. It's not about what you build, it's about how you tear it apart. Sure, we've all spent hours getting exactly the right colour scheme of furniture or making sure your family has the right colour hair, but the bits about the sims you remember is when you trap them in a small, locked room with nothing but a firework for company, wait for them to get bored enough to activate it and watch the ensuing inferno. Sim City is the same, only building up a city is that fatal combination of tedious AND difficult, and it's harder to control the final look of your city too. It's got no more sophistication than the smash the gopher game. When people want MORE PARKS, you click "add more parks" - and it doesn't become much more complicated than that. Sure, you need to balance and budget, very challenging - but that's about as much fun as being a city bureaucrat - i.e., not at all. The thing is, not many girls finish playing dollhouses by burning down their dollhouse - but playing with building blocks, knocking them down is part of the point. Most computer games, at one point or another, inspire you with a desire to smash the screen. But Sim City provides a little, wicked smiley marked "disaster" so you can actually take out your fury on the poor little sims themselves.

And for one brief moment, I am a god. Literally as well as figuratively.

I've named my city Chronopolis, which is the name of the Valeyard's stronghold in He Jests at Scars, and when prompted for a name, I chose his eeeevil monicker "The Mighty One". This means my advisors, who are still prattling about education bonuses, are appealing to me "can we raise education funding, Mighty One?" No, my little ones, we need to prepare for the oncoming apocalypse MWAHAHAHAHA. I'm creating new realities here, cackling as I go, until I alone reign as MASTER OF ALL.

And another advisor told me off for abusing the warning siren and "crying wolf". Well, it makes such a lovely noise! And I think setting it off ten times in a row is fair considering what's about to hit the city. I've cranked up the Fight Club soundtrack, and am currently triggering off an infinite number of disasters - tornado, earthquake, fire, UFO, and after a slight consideration for taste purposes, I've set off some riots too - repeat, as the beautiful Chronopolis layout, with its vistas and walkways, becomes battlescarred and ravaged by fire. The sim-people are programmed to walk up and down roads, which is hilarious once tornadoes start taking chunks out of them - endlessly circling. Curiously, despite eleven tornados, five UFO attacks and fifteen earthquakes - earthquake is my favourite - the population does not seem to have dropped.



Hmm, lets see what happens when you put a nuclear power plant in the path of a fire. It takes a few attempts, but finally one catches alight and smoulders for a moment, then explodes, scattering half the map with satisfying "radiation" symbols. Ah, bliss! There's a handy function which allows you to see which areas of the city are protected by a fire station. While the citizenry are relaxing, little suspecting further onslaught, I am using that map to hunt down and destroy the fire stations. I want to see how hard it is to properly eradicate Chronopolis from space, time, and then after that the harddrive, as it's a tedious game.


The answer is half an hour - with the city at the point of collapse, the Sim City crashes and refuses to open back up again due to an "Exceptional Exception ? /". This is proof that I have irretrieviably ruptured time, and it feels marvellous! MWAHAHAHAHAHA

In any case, it's a nice way to sit back, and forget at the other side of the globe my Chronopolis has a real big sister, also being torn to pieces by riots and fires.

I apologise unreservedly to anyone who exprienced my Twittervomit yesterday teatime. I loathe spoilers, and stumbled across one for the Doctor Who finale which filled me with mixed, but extreme feelings. It's either the best ever or worst ever news. Without giving away the details, it's a plot I am theoretically in principle of, yet I don't think this is the right time. If they're gonna do it (and they ultimately should), it deserves proper development: why not save it for Mr Smith to get his teeth into? I'm also concerned that the supporting actor they have mooted isn't the right one for the role. If you've read my Twitter, then you'll know that's me putting it mildly - I'm excited, I'm furious, and to sum up, I wish I hadn't come across the spoiler, because it's not worth this turmoil.

The Grand Project is ambling along. My dad has amended team to club - Alpha Club already sounds more English, and it's inspired my thoughts no end. The A-Team are a commando unit who are sent to rob a bank in the last days of the Vietnam war. Unfortunately, while they are away their commanding officer gets killed - and they're caught with the loot. I could translate it straight, but I've been thinking creatively. Commando units didn't exist in the 1800s, so what if it was a literal gentleman's club who were all in the army? What if, under similar circumstances - being sent on a mission that, due to the death of the officer, no one will admit happened - the rest of the club is wiped out. That explains the source of the name adequately for me. Or is the massacre of their buddies already too angsty? I'm very keen for the tone to be as careless as the original. The bank scenario would work, but let's try and be Victorian about this. I'm aware you could be shot for cowardice in this period, so what if the "crime they did not commit" involved them doing something apparently dishonourable? It'd certainly be something to escape from. I'm just bouncing ideas, but already I'm feeling a better Victorian vibe, and there's something nice and Four Feathersly about them regaining their honour.

Today I did the cover of the first issue - all hanging onto a rope ladder for dear life, swooping over the London skyline. The ladder is attached to one of those flying-machines-made-from-a-bike contraptions, but naturally it's a penny farthing bike. It's a bit like the Golden Age of comics - create an eyecatching, exciting cover, and worry about the plot later on. It doesn't matter if it never gets finished. If nothing else, I'm learning things. Today's subject: black Britain. Not a topic I really know anything about, aside from the odd magazine - Guernsey is anything but cosmopolitan. It's important because - well, it's obvious why it's an important thing to know about, but for my purposes as an author it'd bother me to not know how B.A. (played by Mr T) ended up in a Victorian context, which was probably more cosmopolitan than Guernsey, but still closed enough to warrant a little thought.

A little internet research has enlightened me, and surprised me at how diverse Victorian London would have been. Many escaped slaves fought on the side of the British in the American War of Independance, and ended up there once the war had been lost. My dad assures me the Napoleonic navy, travelling all over the globe, was pretty darn diverse. Still more escaped or freed slaves in Britain itself had been established for some 30 years by the period I'm setting my story. Many were servants, most were very poor if not destitute, and yet the population was there - 20,000-40,000 by 1760 estimates this site, so far more by 1860. By the end of the 19th century, there were thriving black communities in most British city centres. I even managed to find proof of a Crimea connection in Mary Seacole, ranked with Florence Nightingale, who was refused a position as a nurse, so travelled down there herself and built a hotel-hospital for injured troops (see: a dedicated Seacole website). She won a Crimean medal, and was voted top of the 100 Greatest Black Britons list. Apparently there's a blue plaque to her in Soho Square - might go looking for it when I get back to London, if the flu hasn't got us by then. In terms of attitudes, it's easy to presume that racism was rife - class-based discrimination too. Read any Victorian English novel in which there are Americans. Proper Brits found the idea of those new-money families hilarious (Oscar Wilde for one)

I haven't decided on anything concrete, but I do now know: the presence of a black character in the Victorian army would be anything but anachronistic. Incidentally, while hunting around black history websites, I found a fantastic archive of magazine scans from 1955. Even if you're not particularly interested in black representation in that particular year, they're adorably kitchy.

Less socially noble, but just as much fun, a little research into gentleman's clubs revealed that some were set up for those in the same branch of the armed forces - exactly what I'm looking for. Possibly my Alpha Club might be invitation only, for people who have performed an exceptional deed in war. Or something. Just idea-bouncing...I was invited to join the University Women's Club on leaving Ladies' College, and still sorely wish I had, purely for the dandyish LOLs of being able to say "I'm dining at the club". Indeed, living at the club is apparently much cheaper than any other London accomodation. There's a library there, and I've always wanted to live on top of a library. May actually look into this...

Today's issue: the letter project continues, the new A-Team movie is on the way, and "oestromania" movies

Still going with the letter project. The task is starting to wear on me. Arranging them is a bind - when several things are going on at once, do I put them in strict chronological order, or do I match the replies to create several complete overlapping arcs? It's still fun when I find the response to a letter I'd read a few hours ago. The complete document is approaching 40 pages.

I've also turned up some information I wasn't meant to know. I read through a stack of letters last night, and woke up this morning with "WHO KILLED SCARLETT SKYE" scrawled across both my arms in ink. I can't exactly remember it putting it there either...Scarlett Skye was terribly special to Mortimer. At the time of her death, I was playing Anna - and the way Anna heard it was that she'd just been stabbed randomly one night. So Mortimer never really found out about it. I've been re-reading Friend 5's letter folder, and I discover most of what Anna heard wasn't true. Scarlett spent a long time dying, and several people knew about it to see her. It's like Mortimer's only just found about it - feeling very wronged, and so angry I couldn't sleep (yes, my characters have autonomy. Try not to judge). He really wants some vengeance, so I'm going to try and find out who did the deed, and see if they're expendable. A lot have things have happened since Scarlett's death, so maybe contemporary Mortimer couldn't take revenge without screwing up the future, or that whoever it was is already dead.

I've a sickening suspicion that it was Scarlett and Anna's then-husband, Oscar. Anna had found out he was already married and left, so Scarlett's death a week later was - well, convenient. And sudden. At the time I was assured it wasn't the case - I guessed Friends 1 and 4 had taken a metagame action in getting Scarlett out of the way. But looking through the old records, I find it wasn't sudden at all - and I've found Oscar's name implicated in some hints. It would be inconvenient were it Oscar, because I only just missed him - he's been dead for only a short while...if it were Cael, then I know Cael is still around and I owe him one for Oliver. The third theory I've formed is that it was a mercy-killing from Ivy, who borrowed a knife for an unspecified purpose at the time. I wouldn't kill her, ever, even if this were the case.

Only two, maybe three people know the truth. Friend 5 - Scarlett was her character - but she takes pride in her secrecy, and I'm sure I won't get anything without surrendering something in return. And I don't have anything surrendable. Friend 1, if Oscar was involved, but she won't tell. Well, not without me telling her something I'm (frankly) not able to. Mortimer would never speak to me again, and if it were only that I'd consider it. I'm more worried that several, real-life, non-fictional friends would never speak to me again! Some secrets are secret for a reason. And then there's Friend 6, whom I haven't spoken with for three years. Haven't seen in three years either. But she might be at Speech Day in a few weeks. I'm fairly sure she's sentimental enough that it's still on her mind. Last time we did meet, she asked me about the Flame straight away. One of the letters written from Friend 6 to Friend 5 suggests that is a reply to a letter containing the answer. I've just finished typing up Friend 3's folder. Friend 5 has given me total access to her letters (with instructions for information I'm not allowed to reveal...), Friend 4 has agreed to email me hers, and Friend 2 is sure hers don't exist any more. I have faith that Friend 6 still has them lying about - call it a hunch - and that she'd be happy to let me read them - call it a really lucky guess. It's important, because piecing together replies is the quickest way to get a picture of what's going on.

And I'm learning so much! Just the way everyone and all the events fit together, expressed in their own words. It is going to be the ultimate resource for, well, just for me really...

Sorry, I was the only person who understood any of that. The problem of multiple audiences - I'm writing for some 20 different friends, four different family members, some strangers, and finally for myself. And that was one purely for me, I'm afraid...


The new A-Team movie is on the horizon. Am I excited? Well, sort of. Read what Empire has to say about it. I'm not going to instantly rule it out: it could be great, and it's not going to destroy the fact I have four seasons of the original left to enjoy. It makes sense to update it from Vietnam to one of the many Gulf Wars. I think Liam Neeson will make an awesome Hannibal. I'm more concerned about the tone - the joy, for me, in the original is the cartoon OTT violence, the disregard for physics and general lack of emotional depth. Or, as Empire puts it, "campy, formulaic, repetitive nonsense". Yes. Exactly. They are gonna be tempted to go darker - but I hope reason prevails, and it remains almost as breezy and daft as the original. Not happy about the rumours of a love interest either, but then I never am, and I suppose it was inevitable. I just wish Hollywood would ditch pat romantic subplots - they're such a waste of time. And I'm not happy about Bradley Cooper's casting, especially because a few days ago I heard he'd turned it down. He's been hauled in as Face - you know the charming, attractive one? I watched five seasons of Alias with Mr Cooper as Will. The man can act, and well - but I just don't buy him as a guy who could (and would) charm his own grandmother out of the last lifejacket on a sinking ship. I'm not saying Dirk Benedict actually managed that all of the time - I'm a sucker for floppy hair - but this is a step further away.

Today I watched episode 3 of season 1, Pros and Cons, and here are my findings:

Number of car chases: 1
Number of shots where the car leaps over the camera: 1
Number of car crashes: 1
Number of punchups: 2
Number of explosions: 0

Hannibal's disguises: 2 - John Smith's Agent, drunk driver, camp hairdresser
Face's disguises: 1 - Doctor Pepper
Other disguises: B.A. - mute, drunk-driver, Murdoch - another drunk driver
Total: 7

Murdoch flies: a chair powered by hot-air trash bags
BA builds: an ash tray...

Number of fatalities: 1

And finally, today I watched a new awesome movie from one of my favourite genres. I can't quite define it, but these are some of the films:

Picnic at Hanging Rock Company of Wolves Heavenly Creatures Black Narcissus The Virgin Suicides
and The Beguiled, which we watched this evening
e.t.c.

They work on the premise that if women get too much control, or spend time with other women THEY GO INSANE, especially when exposed to things they don't understand LIKE MEN or SEX. My pa suggested "oestrophobia", in tribute to the claustrophobic hothouse atmospheres
and general period drama repressed-ness. My mum amended it to "oestromania" - because they tend to turn violent, like all women do IF NOT CONTROLLED BY MEN. My contribution was, perhaps, "Lady of the Flies".

Yes, siree, they might not be very progressive, but I do still love them. Frequent tropes:

• virginal white dresses
• "the hottest day of the summer"
• teenage girls on the cusp of adulthood, who somehow have this prenatural knowledge of the veil of time and turn of the universe (also, see poltergeist movies)
• hinting at the idea of "female mysteries", because all women are spiritual creatures men cannot possibly understand. As such, lots of dream sequences.
  
• sex, sex, sex, sex, sex - not actual sex, you understand, but the idea seethes across screen and packs into the corners of the room.
• claustrophobic, or on a single location.
• Typically period, all corsets and repression. More dream sequences.
  

Now I think about it in those terms, it's actually a sub-genre of the Gothic - white dresses in twisting trapped corridors, which reflect the mental state of the protagonist, and of course the whiff of peverted, forbidden desire. The Beguiled managed to slip in some lesbianism and incest.
Reservoir Dogs is practically the male equivalent - what happens when rampant testosterone gets trapped in a stressful atmosphere, but as a genre it's not as famous.

The Beguiled was about a wounded Union soldier taken in by a Southern all-girls boarding school during the Civil War. I liked the title especially, because it wasn't clear who was doing the beguiling. They were all as bad as one another - he abused and took advantage of their hospitality, just as they abused and took advantage of his injury.

For AS level film studies, I actually shot a small segment of movie as my coursework. We just had to do a single sequence, so I didn't plot the whole thing. I just vaguely mumbled about ghosts and repression, and I'm sure people got the idea - but what I was trying to do was oestromania. It was set in a Victorian all-girls boarding school, after the bones of a girl from long ago had been discovered. It wasn't exactly a ghost story - because it never confirmed the existance of a ghost. Instead, it was about the way the idea there might be a ghost affected the girls, the spreading hysteria, and naturally in a repressed institutionalised atmosphere, it all got increasingly crazy. I never went further than sketching out the plot, but you bet it would have ended in longing lesbian looks and violent bloody death.

If I could have just said "look, it's a base under siege movie!", or a "romantic comedy", things would have been simple. Alas, I have yet to find a convenient name for it. So, anyone got any better ideas?

Um. Hi. Today is brought to you from Oceanic's bedroom. She just rung me and requested I record the All American Rejects on Live Lounge. I am fairly sure someone on the interwebs will do it, but here I am all the same. I wish I could just do it with a tape, but she's sent me to do it on her computer. Delicate balancing act. She has a microphone/headphones combo machine for when she does her podcasting - she's on the Fatecast, for Jack/Kate shippers off Lost. Probably of limited interest to most people here, but I tune in every now and then and it's pretty good. I've somehow managed to persuade the microphone to work and not the headphones - if the headphones start working again, then I'm screwed. The AARs aren't on for half an hour yet, and it's working for now...

In other news, I'm about to develop an official obsession with The A-Team if you want to tag along. I go through big obsessions, the Doctor Whos, and little obsessions, like for Hamlet, the Godfather, Watchmen or Reservoir Dogs. I figure the strength and length of an obession depends on how many other people are involved, and the "depth" of the world. You can't really do much with Res Dogs other than rewatch the film, because part of it's charm is its small size. It's realtime, deliberately cagy about information, and contains characters whose past are deliberately obscured. Not much to get into, and that obsession lasted around a year. I figure this one is a year as well.

Nevertheless, they all go through distinct stages - weird dreams, not being able to think about anything else, and the real killer is when I get arty. I made Rorschach dolls, did voluntary Hamlet essays, and obviously the A-team essay and steampunk adaptation proves it's about to blossom into proper obsession.

Ten minutes till Live Lounge starts. Important update: did you know I'm currently breaking the law, twice, in such a way that I could be liable for six years imprisonment. If this was for a serious crime, I obviously wouldn't be blogging it - instead it's something really stupid, and nevertheless six years.

So what have I done? I own a copy of Watchmen and am currently reading The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Read on:

http://www.bleedingcool.com/2009/06/07/are-you-a-criminal-under-uk-law/

I understand why the law exists - some people have been exporting child porn into the country by basically turning it into drawings instead of photos. I also am aware of the existance of a huge subculture of Manga which I wouldn't touch with an unfortunately phallic ten foot pole. But the law is big and stupid, and frankly I'm pissed off. I'm quite tempted to walk into a police station and tell them to prosecute me. They couldn't actually justify it in trial, would be forced to turn me loose and it'd set a nice fat precedent for why this law is stupid.

I am always in favour of the artist - it's almost my sole political belief. People don't take comics seriously. It's the new frontier, in academic terms and also socially. Hell, Watchmen is the greatest comic of all time because it's so far from funnybooks. It is not for children, but adults - something the Japanese have been getting right for decades - and not just Comic Book Store Guy geeks in their basement either. Manga is read by everyone, and spans every genre - for young kids, for middle aged women, and yes for people who get a kick out of tenticle porn. The industry needs to break the cliches, stop focusing on super-heroes - whose continuity is, frankly, too twisty for anyone to get into - and promote other genres. The Sandmans and Ghost Worlds, comics sans tights.

And it is in the Time top 100 book list. It's an important achievement, because it is an official way of saying this is a WORK OF LITERATURE. And yet so many people still think "picture book". I leant Watchmen to my pa over Easter, and remain pleased by how much he enjoyed it. He mentioned it was surprising how long it took him to read it. That's because it has as much depth as any novel you choose, but adds it through imagery not text. It's the point between the novel and film.

If the government got this - if someone leant them a copy of Watchmen - they wouldn't be this pigheaded. They don't police films this strongly - the corresponding scene in the Watchmen film wasn't illegal. You can prevent porn getting through in other ways - they do on screen, and arguably cinema is the most viceral medium around.

In short: I'm angry. And that law is ridiculous.

Ten minutes past eleven. She's just gonna get the Live Lounge CD ultimately anyway. It's pretty cool, I admit, and Clash and I got very excited when the Guillemots did Black and Gold. I'm still worried something weird's gonna go wrong with my equipment. I'm gonna sign off and get a book.

I'll leave you with some notes I made last night. I covered a sheet while watching The A-Team, with thoughts for the essay and steampunk project. As it was the pilot, I thought I'd also start on some statistics in the interest of later making a graph. Wikipedia estimates the average episode contains 46 violent acts...

Number of car chases: 6
Number of shots where the car leaps over the camera: 3
Number of car crashes: 10
of which cars into water: 2
of which cars flip over first: 6
Number of punchups: 2
Number of explosions: 14

Hannibal's disguises: 5 - Aquamaniac, a drunk, Mr Lee, phone-in depressive, beardy guy
Face's disguises: 4 - Priest, Texan tycoon, Doctor, producer
Other disguises: Amy - PA, Murdoch - pilot
Total: 11

Murdoch flies: jetstream, crop duster, helicopter
BA builds: armor-plated bus

Dialogue stinker: "We are but simple farmers!"
Dialogue triumph: Hannibal's rubber duck

Today's issue: fake Flame academia, fake Doctor Who academia, academic A-Team academia. Gushy reviews of Miller's Crossing and Get Carter.

Today has been given over to fake academia. I've been diving through the reams of surviving Naked Flame letters, and constructing a timeline from them. Fascinating work, like proper historical research. True, none of the events "happened" - but I'm flexing the same muscles in tracking down obscure references, reconstructing events, working out where letters are missing from the record or where they fit into sequence. Friends 3 and 5 have both let me borrow their folders of letters, and I'm halfway through my own: the project is about half done, and 30 pages long. I need to hunt down anything kept by friends 1, 2 and 4 next. I have a better grasp of events and people now than ever before. The finished product is going to be an invaluable record of a history that never happened.

>>>It's not only the Flame which is getting the nerd treatment, in the absence of proper work. I've discussed before the connection between the Greeks and Gallifrey. The Timelords are the oldest civilisation, so naturally inspired the ancient Greeks and kickstarted their development, probably because Earth is a vital nexus point in the web of time. Much in the same way the Osirans attempted to get in on the act with Egypt. Maybe that's why the Timelords send the Doctor after Sutekh - I bet they manufactured the war with Horus. Maybe the Osirans were trying to do in Egypt what the Timelords were in Greece, influence the development of civilisation on such an important planet and you probably have some say in it's future. Maybe this is why Timelords and humans look so similar?

In any case, Greek characters resemble Ancient High Gallifreyan, and most Gallifreyan concepts can be translated in Greek - Panopticon, academy, Arcadia, Pythia. The Doctor's nickname is Thete, from Greek letter theta. Occasionally, they slip into Latin instead (Ulysses, Castellan), which shows the way Timelords ideas spread. They probably were whispering in the ears of Plato, Aristotle, Archimedes, all the great thinkers and architects and inventors of democracy and civilisation.

Taking this as a starting point, Gallifrey is clearly misspelt. You know the way that proper academics will spell Nausica Nausikaa, and Peleus Peloos just because they're closer to the Greek? Gallifrey in ancient Gallifreyan would have been written thus: Γαλλιφρει

The Greeks have no "f" or "y", and so the strict transliteration is Galliphrei. If that sounds like splitting hairs to you, well listen to this theory. I also belive the name of Commander Maxil, the belligerant head of the guard, has been mis-recorded. Pay attention, class.

Maxil is a perfectly fine Greek word - Mαξιλ, Maksil, Maxil. But while I was doing some Greek translation I came across the word for battle - μαχε, or mache/make. Now Maxil is a soldier, and a very vicious one at that, so "battle" would be a sensible derivation of his name. So what if his name is actually Makil - Mαχιλ - warlike or warrior - but later scholars have mistranslated the χ as an x, giving us Maxil? It's a plausible theory...

So now I'm working on the faux-derivation of a word like "valeyard", in a society which shouldn't have the letter V. Well, the Greeks don't. I surmise Gallifreyan would be a very, very complicated language, so maybe it was dropped by their Earth counterparts...

>>>I've pledged to actually finish, or at any rate start, my A-Team essay since seeing the final episode of series 1. I kinda assumed that huge season finales were a modern thing, and am to an extent correct. And yet it has had special thought put into it - it's certainly the greatest episode I've seen so far. The team go up against a corrupt gang in a small town after attending the funeral of a dead war buddy. The tone is often sombre - the funeral is done properly, salutes and flags and all. The flashbacked to 'Nam with some awful stock footage, but that wasn't the point - each character had something to say about the experience of being there. When the team get back into town, it's personal - really personal. Suprisingly so, especially for Face. He is, perhaps aptly, all mask all of the time. The make believe-cowardice is a front for actual fear, the cheesy charm covering up his commitment-phobia. I've always got the impression that he most wants to get back into normal society. It was interesting, then, to see him dive into a joint and really enjoy taking someone to pieces. Some of this taking-to-pieces occurs in their very charming uniforms.

I mean, it's a good episode in its own right - it manages to be tense and thought proviking (ish), at least in contrast with normal standards. Amy gets to prove herself awesome, and as mentioned above, someone actually gets to make Face tick - which alone justifies the entrance price. The baddies are also unusually threatening and effective. But it stands out for being a fantastic starting point for my essay on the way the A-Team interacts with the 'Nam vet genre.
This, if for no other reason, is why I feel it's worth writing: the final shot of the A-Team season 1 is a slow zoom on the grave of their veteran friend. It's a poignant moment, but more importantly, to priviledge it as the final shot of the season, it suggests the show's creators saw their work, on some level, as a tribute to genuine veterans.

I've mentioned my essay before. It's set back by a lack of knowledge, but I intend to stop floundering very soon and start doing some reading - on the war, on the cinema of the war, and that sort of thing. I'm looking forward to seeing Tropic Thunder as research. Ajax sent me some handy help, from a fellow Achaian who approached it from a totally different angle than I had, seeing it as part of the "loser vet genre". He's obviously correct, and it sets up an interesting dichotomy when combined with my original argument - broadly speaking, he sees the characters as offensive to real vets,whereas I only noticed their superficial status as heroes.

On the one hand, yes they are clearly "loser vets" who can't reintigrate into society. Hannibal Smith in particular, always "on the jazz", is a danger-seeking thrill addict who seems incapable of existance without blowing things up, and Murdoch is a twist on the people who came back mentally scarred. Even if Murdoch is, as I believe, pretending to be madder than he actually is, it doesn't suggest a great state of mind. This is an angle I hadn't considered, and am going to pursue to pack out me paragraphs.

Even if it set Vietnam drama back by ten years, they are still basically heroic - very heroic - characters. And the final shot of the grave has told me something else - the portrayal is meant to be glamorous. Dirk Benedict and George Peppard were well liked, easy-to-trust actors. They're good guys, or the show believes they are, and perhaps it's even meant as positive propaganda. My knowledge of the Vietnam war is fairly thin, but I do remember that negative media representations of the conflict meant many veterans were not treated with respect when they came home. The A-Team's prime directive is to aid those who no one else can - to protect that general public. I've always seen in this a sort of atonement. If the A-Team was a modern show, there would be at least one angsty flashback episode in which one or more of them experienced something awful in the line of duty, and would be consciously making up for it. I'm greatful that 1980s telly wasn't that deep - the idea is clear enough, without the need for mawkish overblown melodrama. Just a few ideas which are gonna be included in me essay.

Finally, and this is the key point for me, is where it fits in with the "Vietnam war movie" genre.
Their framing by the military for a "crime they did not commit" involves them with the post-Vietnam American counter-culture thing that I can't quite define without more reading.
They're being chased by the army and police, and villains are frequently corrupt mayors, corrupt sherrifs, corrupt prison governers. In other words, in protecting the little man from the Man. In a Vietnam sense, the military machine was the villain, opressing the soldiers and civilians alike. The concept of anti-authority underpins the series, and I see this as a reflection of media about the Vietnam war.

Ajax, Achaian and I can argue all year about whether the Team is a positive or negative image, but the most important question is how far were the A-Team meant to be a realistic portrayal of genuine veterans? I would argue they are meant to be variations on the media image of the veteran. Like Tarantino's gangsters, say, consciously imagined as part of the tradition of 30s pulp, or Baz Luhrmann's deliberate lack of irony in Moulin Rouge and Australia. Murdoch is the most telling facet of this - he's crazy. Because, y'know, people went crazy in Vietnam. Like in Apocalypse Now, Birdy, Combat Shock - Born on the Fourth of July isn't as nuts as those, but is still about serious psychological scarring, while the hero of Dead Presidents turns to crime when abandoned by the system. What do you mean that "loser vets" don't exist? They do on the telly...

People learn about history through fiction. It's why kids know lots about the Six Wives of Henry the Eighth, and not much about the second Reform Act - because only one of them makes for a great story. Its why there are more WW2 movies than WW1 movies, because WW2 had good guys and bad guys, and a Hollywood-friendly world-domination plot. I'm not proud, but Apocalypse Now is the basis of my knowledge of 'Nam - and I think it's the same for most people. Both Spy Game and Watchmen, modern films depicting the Vietnam conflict, tap straight into the media memory of the war by their use of music (rock in one, Ride of the Valykyries in the other), and bypass the realities entirely. We know that Vietnam veterans are all tormented losers because cinema tells us they are, and doubtless this is because two hours of a happily reintegrated main character makes for bad drama.

So above all, I intend to argue that the A-Team is a show about Vietnam fiction. It is approaching pastiche in its portrayal of veterans, a pastiche learnt from Rambo movies and the like. Is the portrayal of Murdoch's psychosis realistic? Emphatic no - it's cinema-crazy all over. Is the portrayal of action realistic? On a show with weekly gunfights, which only killed 5 extras in 90 episodes? Where people will always walk away from a car crash, no matter how unlikely- and where the creators actually had a mini-contest on to see how unlikely they could get?

So this is the argument which is developing. On the one hand, they can be seen as counter-culture heroes, and indeed are meant to be seen thus. This glamorous image of the ex-soldiers is counterbalanced by their status as "loser vets" who can't recover from their wartime experiences. And holding the balance is genre expectations - in other words, the show's deliberate placing within the tradition of 'Nam movies. Next up: some proper research.



I've been making the most of my freedom with films. Miller's Crossing is that rarest of things - a film my dad and I really disagree on. It probably makes my top 30, and he doesn't begin to see the point of it. Normally, we see more or less eye to eye. As far as I'm concerned, this film was written for me. Cross it with Battle Royale, and you have my dream piece of cinema. It's crime shot in sepia, a buddy movie packed with betrayal, a morally grey trip into a man's heart of darkness - in short, it contains much violence and more angst. Gabriel Byrne is gorgeous, the script is wonderful and the plot pleasingly complex. My pa doesn't get the hero's motivation, claims he does the wrong thing at every point. He certainly screws up, but with style. Tom wants to be the one with the strings - he does it because he gets a kick out of being mysterious, out of being powerful, and out of being hated. He doesn't want to admit that he's really a sap, who feels too deeply about L. and V. and has problems killing people. He likes being a free agent, denying connections with anyone - it's why he won't let L. pay his debt, why his response to every deal is "I'll think about it". And yes, my pa's right - he screws up. "Double cross once, where do you stop?" asks G., who's the unexpected heart of the movie.

He's playing at being the cold, tough guy - at least to begin with - and gets into trouble when he gets in too deep and can't live up to it. By the end of the film, he's got there - which is why B. ultimately has to die. It's cementing the change. It's Planet of Fire, broadly speaking, which is an allegory that should make matters clear as mud to no one who reads my blog. Ah well. Perhaps I understand him because M. understands him?

One final word: the dialogue is awesome. It comes highly recommended, but pay attention to the rat-a-tat script or you'll lose the plot in no time.

Ironically, Cinecism reveals that last time I watched Miller's Crossing, I did so in the same week as Get Carter. Funny, because I rewatched Get Carter only a few days ago. Another fantastic movie, but where Crossing revels in the Hollywood conventions of 30s' crime, Get Carter is defiantly realistic. It's the only crime film I've ever seen which glamorises neither crims nor cops. It's horrible, start to finish, and also quite fantastic. Jack Carter - played by Michael Caine - is a glorious bastard, hero by virtue of being slightly less nasty than the supporting cast. He's on a mission to avenge his brother's death, and it has a sort of nobility about it. The thing that's always fascinated me about this film, discounting the blistering lead performance, is that it is the social realism gangster film. An impression only heightened by actually studying realism in film studies. All the tropes apply: characters set firmly in their social location; characters with whom you share proximity, not sympathy; exploring personal ethics; and a grubby, haphazard approach to script and cinematography.

Oddly enough, it's another film my pa doesn't get. Too many coincedences for my liking.


News about Planet of Fire's DVD release! You might remember that's a favourite episode of Doctor Who, a very very special one. Ever since meeting Thete at the convention, I've been getting regular texts - creepy ones. Creepy because they're exactly the type of texts you wouldn't expect to get from your average slightly-stalky fellow: they're all Doctor Who updates, on DVDs, conventions, news, whatever. I wonder where he's getting his info from: it's always correct, and always a few days before the web knows anything about it. Apparently they're going to release Planet of Fire on special two-disk edition, with two different versions. I'm aware there is a slightly different version of the episode's pivotal moment around, but two different versions? Brilliant! BRILLIANT! I am really nervy with excitement now.

And finally, I have screwed up the Electric Dream for good. You might remember it's my favourite self-designed smoothie, but I can't remember what the red juice was - pomegranite? Cranberry? I just tried it with red grape, and it tastes bizzare. The pleasantly orange sky and surreal pink clouds have been scorched by industrial greed, the pretty pink clouds are a sickly , sickly caramel and every now and then a bolt of lightning pierces the landscape.Well that's what happens when you attempt to make smoothies into metaphors, then forget the recipie...it's probably an omen about the BNP or something...