In the absence of anything better to write, I have decided to share with you my recipe for egg fried rice. It's as easy as it sounds, but I'm still rather proud for working it out. You know it as a phrase in the same way TheEmpireStrikesBack or DireStraits become words in their own right. You don't really consider the fact that Star Wars V actually features the villainous Empire striking back at the goodies, no more than you stop to consider what a dire strait might have been before being a band name. Get what I'm driving at? So I regard the discovery that if you fry egg with rice you get egg fried rice as a personal epiphany.

If you select your brands carefully, it can be totally free from colouring and cruelty, and can be as packed with healthy stuff as you imagine. It's probably the healthiest egg fried rice you will ever eat. Depending on your brands (instant rice vs. proper rice) and the extras you add, this meal can take anything between 10 and 30 minutes to prepare. 20 is a good safe bet.

Due to the chaos factor in preparing the Osterman Fried Rice, I don't recommend you make it as a side dish unless lots of people are dining, and you have someone else helping in the kitchen. It's hard to prepare in small quantities, is very filling and tends to be temperamental. Or maybe I'm a lousy cooker.

Rice or noodles (referred to as "rice" throughout, but noodles work too)

Cruelty free Eggs (this recipe will self-destruct if used with battery farmed eggs...)

For 1 person use one or two eggs
Consider using three eggs if you are cooking for 4+ and are using an noticeably huge amount of rice.

Hoisin Stir-fry sauce. I use Sherwoods. I'm sure other flavours would taste good too.

Oil/stuff to fry in

Peas, chickpeas, sweetcorn, any other variety of bean or vegitable you have lying around

Grated cheese (for a mega-disgusting protein fix - this doesn't taste very nice, I warn you!)

Fake-meat chunks (But not fake-mince! Seriously, I've tried this with mince and it really fails.)

Spring onion, waterchestnut e.t.c. (for genuinely-Asian kudos)

Anything else fryable to add protien, iron, carbohydrate, vitamins, whatever


At least one saucepan

Strainer / method of getting water out of the pan while leaving the rice in.
Note: if Dr Manhattan is aiding you with your cookery, you will not need to find a strainer.

Frying pan

Wooden implement for stirring the fried egg with

A plate to serve onto (well this is student accomodation we're talking about! In dire straits, you could make a "trencher" as the Medievalists did - find a slice of bread, fresh or stale, and serve onto it.)



1. The basic recipie is rice + eggs + frying = egg fried rice. If you want to turn it into more of a meal, raid your cupboards for other stuff to stir in. Vegitables? Fake-meat chunks? Waterchestnuts?

The finished product is very creamy and filling, so while you are pre-planning consider putting on only half the amount of rice you would normally eat and serving something refreshing alongside it. Not being a natural cook, the best I could come up with was cucumber or celery sticks with maybe a sour cream or tzatsiki dip, and cool icey water drink.

I never bother with this, but I'm not a discerning eater - I just shovel it and ignore the taste. If you have distinguished tastebuds, consider a cooling counterpoint.

2. Using the time on the side of the packet for both the extras and rice, work out when each needs to be started to reach boiling point at the same time. Usually, the extras need to go on first. I tend to do this all in the same saucepan - it makes for less washing up.

If you are making cold extras - celery sticks, complicated cocktails, or laying the table poshly - now is the time to do it.

3. When the rice seems to be getting towards done, put some oil in the frying pan and heat it up. Strain the water out of the rice.

4.a if you want your the egg in the egg fried rice to come out in little lumps like it does at the Chinese, begin frying it before you add the rice. Use the wooden implement to break the yoke and scrape the bits around the pan till it is in pieces. Then, add the rice and stir it all together.

4.b if you want the egg and rice to all be in one big cream, pop the rice into the frying pan first then break the egg over the top, mixing it all together with the wooden implement.

If I'm frying two eggs, I generally do both - b. tastes more sickly to be sure, but is more eggy too. If I'm frying with meat-chunks, or something else "solid" that is the focus of the meal, you're probably best to stick with a.

5. If your "extras" were not in the pan with the rice, now is the time to add them, stirring as you go. I like it when it steams, because it somehow feels more authentic, but be prepared to turn down the cooker and turn on the extractor fan.

6. Add some hoisin sauce (or the sauce of your choice). I tend to do three splats-worth, covering about the area of a £20 note on top of the rice. Real scientific, this. Keep stirring so the sauce goes all the way through. Another rough measure - the meal should not turn brown after being sauicfied - the egg pieces should merely look a bit grubby

7. Keep stirring, and get ready. The moment this meal hits the plate it begins to go cold, so make you are ready to eat the moment it leaves the pan. Make all essentials are cleaned up (i.e. put the eggs back in the fridge) and safe while you're frying, and anything that needs to be prepared for the table (plates and drinks) is ready. If you have an accomplice, this is a great opportunity to make them do some work ^_^

8. Switch off the cooker and serve the egg fried rice. Abandon all washing up and tidying for afterwards.

"Dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond Unmutual's cooking"

PS - Sugarbabes. Aren't they just like a rip-off, sweet edition of the Spice Girls? Just noticed that...