Torchwood is back from Monday. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Well if I can't say it on the blog, where can I say it? I'm preparing to bite my tongue about it for a whole week, as some of my friends, 50% of my family, and a large cross section of the Great British public actually like it. I go onto auto-sneer just thinking about it - I can't help but be spiteful and critical about it, even the episodes I actually like. It makes me mean in a way nothing else can. Which isn't especially nice (even for me), but something about that show angered me fairly early on and nowadays has to do a lot to gain my respect or attention. I'm fond of it - I'd miss it were it cancelled. It's still poorly written television.

Maybe I'm angry it for exposing the shallowness of my Doctor Who obsession, and that of many others - because we get so desperate in the absence of the MotherShip that Torchwood is a semi-acceptable substitute. Maybe it's misdirected aggression.

All this week, they've been doing radio plays. They're still on iPlayer. If you only hear one I recommend Golden Age - all about 1920s Torchwood India. Asylum might be your bag if you like wannabe-meaningful drama about social issues - nicely done but nothing special. I'm going to listen to The Dead Line tomorrow, but I can already tell my patience for it will be limited. The one line synopsis emphasised it would "result in a very emotional moment for Ianto", which sums up a lot about what I hate on that show - prioritising emotion over plot. In an ideal show, the two should be perfectly blended 80% of the time. Character decisions influence the plot - the organically changing plot impacts the characters. It's not acceptable to create a whole scenario merely to manouver the characters into a challenging moral impasse, and make them shout and cry a bit. Yes, every show needs character pieces, and inevitably those fantastic character moments will be the most brilliant and memorable bits of any series. Yet because they are so much easier (and more fun) writers have lost the faculty of twinning them with a challenging plot. Discoveries, twists, shocks - not just guests taking the regulars on a leisurely tour towards the "moving" climax. Our heros have to do things, not just observe the plot.

And this isn't just irrational Torchwood dislike either - I'm still angry at Journey's End and The Doctor's Daughter for pulling exactly the same stunt. Particularly the former, when Davros' entire plan seemed to be getting the Doctor into his power then making him feel bad. Oooh, scary. I could buy it of some villains - it's the Master's chief M.O. - but not Davros. And while many acceptable Doctor Who episodes aren't quite as shameless as Torchwood in hurt/comfort stakes, they still resort to lazy resolutions. 30 minutes of being chased by stuff, then the Doctor pulls a lever and the "stuff" goes away. The conclusion has to evolve out of everything we've seen before. If the Doctor had seen the lever in the very first scene and spent the whole episode trying to get to it; if the Doctor knows that pulling it will have a terrible cost, so is trying every other option first - but all too often, it's just lazy writing which doesn't give the Doctor anything to actually contribute to the set-up. The new episodes actually have a disadvantage compared to the Classics. The old stories were stretched over 4 four or more 25 minute episodes. Four episodes to a story = four cliffhangers, which in turn translates to four important revelations or developments to hang the plot on.

But obviously, Doctor Who is my favourite show - so even when being a tad lousy, I have far more mercy for it. And even if the plot sucks - ah, it's the TARDIS! Ah, great bit of Doctor-y dialogue! Oh look, a Planet of Fire reference! Torchwood irritated me early on, so now it has to be not only OK, not merely good, but really really special to get a good word from me. I'm preparing for a week of being rotten, and feeling rotten.